There are some people who can live life fairly care-free, can go with the flow and make me completely jealous.
Until recently, I was a complete over-analyzing, head spinning, over-thinking, anxiety ball most of the time. I think I am learning to be a better balance of these two types of people. However, when it comes to writing, the latter has haunted me. Over the weekend, I went for a jog at Valley Forge park, when I say “go for a jog,” I mean run for two minutes and walk for 58. Anyway, I found a tree. The tree looked good. The view from the tree looked even better. So, I sat. I am not sure I can say that I ever would have spent an hour of my life under a tree in the park, staring into space, but it happened and I loved it.
I had a phone call with my brother who challenged me to keep writing the blog. He was not the first one to say something about it but he was the first one to really challenge me on why I wasn’t already doing it. The conversation was good. I was able to talk about why and why not and really think about it after. The result of that was a recent tweet saying this:
Never think you are irrelevant, or you will be…
That is what I learned from this time exploring my thoughts about writing. I just kept asking myself who would care about what I write now that Italy is over. Why would I keep writing or why would people care what I think. Well, since that time under the tree, I have had so many people say or write about ways that I have inspired them. They all think I am relevant. Why don’t I? Writing is about personal joy and release anyway, why would it matter if it is relevant to others? There is always going to exist a part of my brain that will tell me I can’t, or I shouldn’t but this time, I just don’t think I am going to let it work.
Interestingly, I recently joined a football team. Now, I am no good at football, I am out of shape and I have horrible asthma and bad eye-hand coordination, so what am I thinking? Well, it’s time to just go for it and that is what came up. So, in the store buying cleats and I hear a mother asking her child (about 10) if there was room in her cleats for her foot to grow. I remember that… the time when I had to worry about my foot growing.. That is when you should be buying cleats! I thought, I will never be that young again… is this how this feels, am I old? I literally had to do brain exercises in the store to prevent myself from saying nevermind, leaving without cleats and quitting before I started. I guess we have to fight our brains sometimes, especially when they are so used to working a certain way. My first game is tomorrow, and I AM playing!
Overall, I think the lesson goes back to what I said on twitter… If I convince myself that I am irrelevant, I will be.
I am not okay with that!