Clean Slate

I woke up this morning and didn’t even know where I was.  I looked around at the white walls and thought, did it finally happen?  Am I institutionalized?  I wouldn’t have been surprised but I was far from it.  I was sleeping in the guest room at my brother’s house.  I will be bringing them some wall art to prevent future confusion but it was an interesting exercise for my brain.  My recent emotional state has allowed for new and deeper thoughts and this morning, that white wall seemed to be a clean slate.  I thought about it over and over again.

The reason I am sleeping at my brother’s is because I do not want to be alone and I have finally allowed myself to admit it.  My brother and his fiance have been completely understanding and supportive and have taken me in like I belong there.  I don’t belong there though, in my mind I keep wondering how much of an inconvenience it is to them or, even worse, an annoyance.

People who are important know how to make you belong. Last night, I cooked dinner, we looked at pictures, we went out for ice cream and I never felt like a burden. It was exactly what I needed and I felt like that is exactly where I belonged at the time. Interesting how that happens when you give up on the thoughts and beliefs you have always held. The alternative was sitting alone in my empty house dreading each minute to come and the thoughts that haunt my brain when I am in that place. That is exactly where I would have been at a different time.

Today, I find myself thinking of that clean slate, thinking about how that small adjustment in my willingness to admit a need helped me. Now, I’m thinking of what else I can do.

I know, I can find productive things to fill my time that I now find empty. It’s fall in Pennsylvania! It’s my favorite season and it’s beautiful out. Time to find new happy places!

Here are some things to do, and places I found to visit:

     Lehigh Gorge Scenic Railway

     Pennsylvania Grand Canyon

     Valley Forge National Park (my fav)

     Horseback riding

I may have some new picture blogs this weekend! =)

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  1. hellokalykitty says

    Good luck ! I’ve always wanted to
    Try horseback riding. And it’s so difficult to admit that we need or want help. I’m proud of you.

  2. says

    So very sorry to hear about Jax. I’m also an animal lover – – – grew up with horses and dogs, but now have 3 grown up children (27, 24 and 18), 2 dogs and a cat – – and I certainly know what it’s like to suffer with the loss of a dog. In the end I’m not really sure what the reason for his death was (a genetical thing??) – but, whatever it was, it must have been awful for you. I’ve read lots of your posts this morning on my way to work on the train – – lovely blog. I’m British (originally from the province of Lancashire, NW England), but have lived in Madrid, Spain for the past 25 years. We’ll keep in touch online, ok? I also have Facebook if you want to be friends on there: Karen Mas (Madrid). Take care Laura – – and think seriously about getting another puppy.

  3. says

    Thank you for posting these links of things to do in PA. I’ve lived in PA all of my life and have never heard of the PA Grand Canyon. The scenic railway is beautiful in the fall and Jim Thrope is such a cute town.

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