Thursday night, Jax got really sick, and I knew it was time. His last days were fun for him, I stayed with him most of the time and played with him and fed him a lot! He was in my arms and the last words he heard were “Mommy’s here.” He is not in pain or suffering anymore which makes it all okay but it doesn’t get easier.
When I got home right around midnight that night, I knew I wouldn’t sleep so I started collecting his things. I knew I wouldn’t want to come home and find a toy or a treat laying around. Of course, I missed a few so that’s exactly what is happening. I didn’t realize how many weird and random hiding places I had for things. I did what I could to get my house back in order and then I headed to my office very early. I know there is a lot to catch up on after spending so much time with Jax.
Then I ended up in a coffee shop and a field of flowers, literately. I stayed distracted until late afternoon when I had to accept it was time to go back home.
I learned to be really friendly to people, especially children, when I’m sad. Their response to your friendliness in most cases will actually really cheer you up!
I learned that I am completely inspired by pet owners. They are incredibly passionate, loving and protective of their pets and of other pet owners, and they are pets too! It amazes me how they will reach out, even if they’re strangers, some people you haven’t talked to in years and even people who you don’t get along with. Pet owners understand each other, and they step up to the plate when they know there is a problem.
As I walked up the steps, I still look down like he was going to be walking next to me. And I thought if only there was a way to erase everything from the last six weeks, I would do it. I thought the best thing to do would be to forget that any of this nightmare ever happened. That’s when I really stopped to think.
I learned exactly why I run from everything and everyone. When you would rather not take the risk of being hurt than just being without feeling, you really do miss out on a lot.
It would be a mistake to forget my time with Jax. Some people would say, “he was just a dog,” but to me he was a lot more. You see, before Jax, I would have said that in my entire adult life, I never thought I was good at anything but my job. I learned a lot about Jax and his condition, but I also really learned a lot about me.
I’ve learned a lot about things I do and how I treat myself and people.
I’d have never gotten attached to anything or anyone. I’ve always done that on purpose, I’m told it’s a defense mechanism. Except, in the last two years since I moved back home, I started to feel like that was a mistake, and being good at your job is not enough to make you happy. I knew that something had to change but I’ve struggled with feeling heartless and detached sometimes. My experiences in trying to open up we’re complete failures and I ended up hurt more than I started with so, again, I withdrew. Jax taught me though that it is worth the risk to have the attachment.
I learned that I can handle anything.
Jax got scared and cried a lot at night because he was sick and I would rock him to sleep. A lot of nights we were up every two hours. I was exhausted and I loved him anyway. It changed my life and how I spent my time and I loved him anyway. I would’ve done anything for him and I gave him all I had to give.
I learned that I believe, even more than I did, that God will never allow you to have more than you can handle. I operate in extremes, I always have, and sometimes I need extreme situations to learn from.
The thing is, I’m actually kind of excited about exploring all of the new lessons I just learned. It’s interesting because I had a conversation this morning about how I have guarded myself so well and kept everyone out. It makes so much sense now. I just went through exactly what I’ve been hiding from all this time, in friendships, relationships and in life, not just in pet ownership. These are life lessons.
I learned not to be afraid to ask for support and not to be guarded with friendships. I have always been so worried about being independent and saying “I can handle it,” I would never ask for help. When it hurt so bad and I couldn’t do it alone anymore, my entire world stepped up to support me. People were amazing. I even cried in front of people, often. I am so glad I let great friends in to help me when I needed it. People are not perfect, some friends will disappoint you, but you’ll never have an opportunity to know great friendships if you let a fear of bad ones keep you away.
In another conversation, we talked about how I’ve let myself get consumed with only men who would never treat me right and would hurt me because it would be shallow and easier to detach from. Now though, I know that men who don’t care about me enough don’t deserve to have me caring about them.
I learned that I have so much to offer people, pets, family, friends, co-workers, etc, that I deserve to surround myself with people and things that care, support and treat me like I treat them.
What I have just learned, is that my job is not the only thing I am good at.
I learned that I can be an amazing wife, and a wonderful mother and with a family I will find the perfect new puppy to raise in my house. There is a man out there who will be amazing enough to get through to me, and to put up with me, and I will give him everything I have just like I did for Jax. I don’t know him yet, and I know God’s timing is always right but the next time I get a puppy, it will be because we will raise him or her with our children. Although I know it makes some of you sad, I will not get another puppy before that. I know what you’re thinking… I know that the chances of this happening again would be unheard of, that is not the reason.
I learned that something like this, that is so close to your heart, is incredibly difficult to handle alone. Not only because he was sick, but even the bottom line care he deserved, the love and training he needed and the heartache when something was wrong.
I learned that, at the end of the day, it would have been easy for me to shut down and never realize any of this, and at another time in my life, I probably would have. Today though, I am happy and proud to have gone through every moment and challenge with Jax. I remember being in the pet store and saying, “this puppy is sick, I can’t afford to take him home and risk him not getting better. I can’t handle that.” I literally said that, and more than once. There was never a chance that I was going to leave there without him though.
**be sure to enter your email at findinglaura.com to keep up with new posts, or find me on Facebook and Twitter!